やっぱ無理だ

やっぱ無理だ。私はヒーローじゃない。私は…なんですか？私のことやっぱり空っぽ。でも…自分で何するの？

Hello again. My dear, dear friends. The time has come to reckon with my nature. Something has not been right with me; not for a long time, in truth. I thought perhaps I was ready again for the world. I was wrong. I came back to you too soon. That ‘I’ came back at all—now that is the mark of a failed journey of self-discovery.

I have not become that which I am supposed to be. I have not found that most elusive of human emotions; that of happiness, of contentedness, of feeling that everything is all right inside myself. Not once in my life have I ever felt such, though even simply admitting that much has taken nearly 30 years of my life. I cannot continue on this sure path to an unfulfilled life. I have to reach for better; and I think I do see the path to it.

I must go away again. I need to leave this behind, leave A Dose of Sanity behind and all the rest. Maybe, for good. I don’t know, I don’t know the sort of person I will become. But I have to change. I have to be selfish. I have to find who I am, who I really am. Damn the world, my mind is on strike. I only work for myself now.

I can’t do this anymore, this walking between worlds. This public life and public advocacy were forced on me by circumstances; it’s never who I really was. A Dose of Sanity itself was born out of more trauma than I now care to contemplate. I cannot take that baggage with me. I need to bury my past. And I’m really sorry that you all are in that past and know me from that past. This doesn’t need to be goodbye forever; but, well, it kind of is. I won’t be the ‘me’ you know if we meet again. But, we don’t need to be strangers.

Much love

AR

I’m setting fire to the life that I know

Let’s start a fire everywhere that we go

We’re starting fires, we’re starting fires

‘Til our lives are burning gold

—Christina Perri, ‘Burning Gold’